Romance in Times of Hard Work

I get up at 7 am and leave at around 7:45. My ‘husband to be’ is still sleeping. He just became a freelancer, and I admire his calm way of dealing with the world. For him, it’s enough to eat a delicious meal and have a roof over his head. For me? I want to build a business. 

I get back home around 9 pm, eat a light meal (often followed by a much too heavy dessert), and watch the news. I usually fall asleep on the couch by 10:30 pm. We don’t have sex on the weekdays. 

I talked to my girl-boss friends and they’ve said the same thing. In fact, for so many of us, sex is the last thing in the world we want after a long day at work. A cuddle? Sure! Proper physical intimacy (pretty much the same thing as exercising) - no thank you. 

Are we somehow broken? Should we be worried? I asked a sociologist to look into the topic for the new issue of our magazine. The truth is astonishing - lack of sex life has become the new norm. By the way, our parents had a lot more sex than we do. Shocking, isn't it?

As a young creative freelancer in high hopes to build a business, I put a lot of pressure on myself. I earn more money, work longer hours, and put myself under a lot more stress than my partner. Every feminist would clap her hands with joy - go, girl! That’s what we’ve been fighting for!

I do worry, though. It’s a new role for me. I’ve been brought up to see men as breadwinners and now when my business is doing well, and my boyfriend does the dishes a lot more often than I do, I catch myself thinking -how do I feel about it? Is this okay?

I never wanted it to be this way. I never knew the magazine would be so successful, or that one day a lovely investor/ business partner would show up and help me sort out the finances. Yet, I know we are still in the infancy stages and I have to keep putting in the hard work. Patience is my mantra. 

And then? I look at my wonderful, loving man and already imagine myself pumping breast milk in the morning so that he can stay at home with the baby. Don't get me wrong, I can’t wait to have a child and I look forward to being a mother, but I don’t want to give up my career. 

Why should I? Why are women automatically assumed to stay at home and get busy with housework when they give birth? Just because we have boobs? It’s something I do think a lot about. Thankfully, I have the best fiance in the world who, in fact, is very excited about being partners and not the traditional “mommy” and “daddy”. I consider myself lucky. I know there are a lot of women in the world who do not even get to choose. 

Back to today. We take baths together. We have takeaway nights. We kiss and hug a lot. We make time to look each other in the eye. And we do make love, but not in the same way as TV stars do it in movies. I need to get enough sleep. I need some time to unwind and forget about emails, to-do lists, and weekly priorities. 

Then, occasionally we do make love on a random Tuesday morning. It’s amazing and even now thinking about it I can’t wait to do it again. 

Sex is very different for everybody. I have friends who are busy to a point where they have to put it into their calendars. I mean, they send google calendar invites to each other. Don’t you think that’s kind of cool? You get to put on your sexy knickers and think about doing naughty stuff all day long. It is unusual though. Or is it becoming the new normal too? 

When we got engaged we immediately talked about getting divorced. 50% of couples do end up separated. How do we know we won’t be in the unlucky half? The least we can do is talk openly about everything. 

For some reason, sex is very difficult to talk about. It’s shameful, so overall it’s the quietest part of the relationship. Think about it? How often do you say it all - even the most uncomfortable truth? 

I used to think I have to initiate it no matter if I wanted it or not because it’s sexy. Apparently, my partner also didn’t feel like doing it but didn't want to let me down. 

I used to buy only laced underwear because I thought it’s sexy. A year and a half into the relationship my boyfriend finally told me he much prefers my sports bra. To be honest, I much prefer it too. 

I used to concentrate so much on my partner having a nice time, I’d completely forget about enjoying sex myself.

I used to think there are a specific way and frequency of having sex, and it’s 100% predefined by society. Instead of listening to my inner desires,I tried to be “that girl” from Hollywood movies.

I can continue. One thing that changed is the way I understand pleasure: I consult with myself first. How do I feel? Do I like this? Do I want it? What do I even want?

Life-changing. 

Lastly, it was bloody hard to keep trying to be a perfect wife and a successful businesswoman. So, I asked myself- which one do I enjoy more? Some women choose to be housewives and that’s absolutely ok. I choose to chase my dream. I did ask my partner if he’s ok with it. 

I bake an occasional cake, mop the floor and change the bedding once in a while. I do it not because it’s my “duty”, but because I simply feel like doing it. To me that is revolutionary. 

The role of women at home and work is changing. I wonder what will it be like 20 years from now? 

Written by Rasa Jusionytė.

Illustrated by Sarah Cliff